Thursday, N and I decided to do the college thing and drink up on a Thirsty Thursday. I'm quite certain I still have a slight buzz from all those vodka cranberries. If you ever want to stop disliking your best friend's not up to par boyfriend, go drinking with him. It'll be the best bonding experience. You'll end up drunk texting your best friend and telling her to marry him because you've decided that he's the best thing since slice bread and that he must be in your life forever.
The evening started out with us splitting a bottle of Riesling Relax. If you don't like wine, there's something wrong with you. By my second solo cup of wine (that's right I drank it out of a solo cup, I'm a classy bitch) I was feeling the buzz. I heard myself mixing up my words but of course that didn't stop me from downing the rest of my half of the bottle. Next, we headed to the campus bar where this totally hipster band was playing. We are in the middle of bubblefuck and yet there are hipsters EVERYWHERE. I swear nothing is sacred. At the bar we met up with my friend, Ib. She's a fucking blast but we've never spent time together outside of class until last night when we were both blasted. We pretended to blend with the dirty looking everything haters while sipping on our mixed drinks. That shit was chill til it wasn't. N spent the time there taking pictures of the bar and sending them to his ridiculously rich heirs to multimillion dollar fortune friends who intend on getting destroyed there while wrecking the place on their next drunken escapade.
N and I headed to the off campus bar where but of course one of my past conquests,T, was standing and drinking less than ten feet away. By this time, both N and I were well into our third vodka cranberry and way past tipsy and dangerously teetering on the brink of sloppy drunk fantastic. We started talking and clearly this 6 foot tall Greek musleman was the biggest cockblock ever but he redeemed himself in one of the most amazing ways possible. No, he didn't wingman me and get me a good lay like a good buddy should. Instead, he went up to T and from what he told me this is how the exchange went...
N: Yo I heard you fucked Ariana Masters! Me too! I just wanted to shake your hand.
T: Awwwwyyyyyyyyyyyeahhhhhh
N proceeds to death grip T's hand and neck thoroughly scaring the crap out of the scrawny man child.
Honestly, what was I thinking with T. He was small but knew what he was doing. I guess when you're 18 (I'm 21 now) you'll do anything hoping it'll turn into love. It didn't and I'm glad. I still have a sensitive spot for him but no way in hell am I ever giving him any look of recognition even if he acknowledges me first. Like most women or at least like all my friends I believe that all men I've had and moved on from no longer exist.... well, they shouldn't.
The night ended with a drunken stumble into dunkin, way too many empty calories, and a mad attempt to chug half a gallon of water to stifle off any chance of a hangover since both he and I had class in the morning.
Lessons learned from this outing:
- if you don't like your friend's guy, go drinking with him
- if he's still an ass half a bottle of wine later, he is an ass
- if you ever have a shitty ex boytoy, have a Greek muscleman shake his hand and crazy intimidate the sleaze
- drunken dunkin is NOT a good idea
AM
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