Texts between me and my bff
Timestamp: Dec 9, 2012 at 12:38am according to my iphone
Me: right now is not the best time for me to have a panic attack yet my brain doesn't seem to care
Her: I almost had one earlier. I talked myself out of it Do you need me to call? I'll be at xxxxxx tomorrow night, i love you. If you need me CALL ME.
Me: I think texting will suffice. Want to know the sad thing? I had it right as I was about to use my vibrator. Like lefit looking for it as I started thinking of how single I am and how my year off wont be a year off because all the master's programs that I want to apply to require bio prereqs that I don't have and after my four years of college I don't get any more money [from my parents] for schooling so I'll need loans for prereqs but I've never applied for a loan and I don't know and [my sister] said the prereqs I need I can take at [a local community college] but how do I go about doing that? How do I get a loan for prereqs? I would need the loan just to cover registration. Would a loan cover a Mac book? Will it cover application and gre fees? Do I get a job and take night classes? Are night classes offered? How do I even enroll? How can I be 21 and so clueless!
two minutes later... she calls
to sum up her not really reassuring but more like misery loves company but in this case cluelessness loves company peptalk: we prep school biddies are so sheltered that we have no idea how the real world functions. Had the college app process not been spoon fed to us with stringent deadlines, I doubt I'd even be graduating from college in the Spring of 2013.
Apparently, I'm not alone in this but I feel alone. I have no financial footing other than my impeccable credit which I initially started because I knew I would someday need a loan and my hs had a financial planner come and tell us about the evil that is bad credit and the even greater evil of having no credit. Truth is, other than the credit part of loans, I know nothing about financial assistance. I never thought the day would come where I would be so shit out of luck. To make matters worse, my dad is retiring in September of 2013. That means, not only will I be a college grad with most likely no job, I'll also have no insurance. Fingers crossed my body doesn't spontaneously break down.
Now, I don't think I'm being irrational. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm crampy. I'm all the bad Dwarves rolled into one. I never thought I would end up so lost and so confused. I thought I had a life plan. I was going to be a dentist and attend my state college all the way through without costing my parents anything more than what they had saved. Unfortunately, blood and I are not friends. So I took a new route. I was going to be an animal rights lawyer because I love animals and will fiercely protect them with every fiber of my being. The problem is, I'm not really into that litigation and policy writing stuff. Too bad I figured that out a month ago. I'm a semester away from a BA in linguistics with a minor in Spanish which will pretty much get me a job NOWHERE.
What I'm realizing is that no matter how lost I am, there are thousands upon thousands of college grads just like me. But no matter how much my eyes open, I still feel alone. Are my 20s supposed to be spent feeling alone and confused? There are blogs claiming how great and awesome you are when you're 20 but what's so awesome about being broke, unemployed, and completely clueless about what comes next? Let me tell you, I need to know what comes next. Its my whole reason for existing. Without knowing what lies ahead I might as well become a cat; and let me tell you that is exactly what I want. I want to be a cat and wish all my problems away. I want to nap, eat, lick my poon, and repeat.
Now, I don't think I'm being irrational. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I'm crampy. I'm all the bad Dwarves rolled into one. I never thought I would end up so lost and so confused. I thought I had a life plan. I was going to be a dentist and attend my state college all the way through without costing my parents anything more than what they had saved. Unfortunately, blood and I are not friends. So I took a new route. I was going to be an animal rights lawyer because I love animals and will fiercely protect them with every fiber of my being. The problem is, I'm not really into that litigation and policy writing stuff. Too bad I figured that out a month ago. I'm a semester away from a BA in linguistics with a minor in Spanish which will pretty much get me a job NOWHERE.
What I'm realizing is that no matter how lost I am, there are thousands upon thousands of college grads just like me. But no matter how much my eyes open, I still feel alone. Are my 20s supposed to be spent feeling alone and confused? There are blogs claiming how great and awesome you are when you're 20 but what's so awesome about being broke, unemployed, and completely clueless about what comes next? Let me tell you, I need to know what comes next. Its my whole reason for existing. Without knowing what lies ahead I might as well become a cat; and let me tell you that is exactly what I want. I want to be a cat and wish all my problems away. I want to nap, eat, lick my poon, and repeat.
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